One packet of stale water biscuits and a few cans of Bully Beef dated November '10.
Which doesn't sound too bad until you notice the "By Royal Appointment of His Majesty King Edward VII" printed next to it.
So - I decide to brave the outdoors on a foraging expedition. Curse my luck! Within minutes I'm stuck in fog of unholy thickness. And to my sphincter-loosening horror I discover I've lost sight of the igloo!
Eventually, praise be to God - I manage to stumble back upon it. I enter, somewhat chastened by my ordeal - for I was perilously close to having been lost forever to that accursed fog!
No sooner had I settled down however, when once again the TV crackles into life! I ready myself to note any clues. Doing so may even help take my mind off my narrow escape in that damned fog...
THE FOG (1980)
The Fog is an absolute masterclass in creating tension and suspense. A feeling of creeping dread is palpable throughout. And it's all because of these 5 SCARY THINGS ABOUT THE FOG:
1. STEVIE WAYNE’S VOICE ON THE RADIO
That throaty, smoky, croaky drawl is an integral and unforgettable part of the movie. Yes, I know she’s on our side but that voice kinda creeps me out. It’s sexy, but sinister as well, in the way that… Madonna showing off her biceps is. I reckon that if The Fog itself had a voice, it would sound exactly like Stevie Wayne. Come to think of it, has Stevie Wayne and The Fog ever been seen in the same room together?? It’s worth investigating. No doubt the ratings on her radio show shot up after the 'fog' show, so would it be stretching the bounds of credibility for them to be in league together?
2. TOM ATKINS' ENORMOUS HEAD
Once again, I know he’s on our side, but Tom Atkins' unfeasibly large head has always freaked me out. It’s enormous. Like an orange on a tooth-pick. It’s like he’s wearing a paper mache mask of his own face. Why would anyone want to do that? What possible motives could he have? That’s what freaks me out about him.
3. THE MUSIC
John Carpenter is – or was at least – the absolute master in creating these sinister synth soundtracks signalling impending doom. A wonderful way of racking up tension throughout the movie. Da-da-da… da-da-da… da-da-da…da-da-da… you know how it goes like...
4. SHADOWY BADDIES
What horror lurks in the shadows of our mind? What fresh madness awaits those who unlock doors where the unknown lurks? What our imagination can conjure up will always be more effective than anything shown on screen, so Carpenter's decision to leave Blake and co. in the shadows makes them more sinister than anything today’s CGI computer boffins could conceive. Would The Fog have been as effective if Blake was made up like that tentacle-faced fuckwit from Pirates of the Caribbean? No, of course it wouldn’t. Stop asking such stupid questions.
5. THE SHOCK ENDING
Carrie was made only a few short years earlier so I’m guessing that shock(!) endings were still very much in vogue when The Fog rolled in. And as much as I love it, the rationale behind it worries me. Because it means that the ghostly Blake must have changed his mind. He must have been walking back to his ship and then thought, “ Nah bollocks, I'm not going to let the priest away with it after all, hold up lads - I’ll go back and kill him.” Frankly, I can’t imagine an unworldy entity being so indecisive…
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